Sep 11 2008
Can ex’s really be JUST friends?
I was having this conversation the other day with my best friend and this question really stuck with me. I mean, is it really possible to be just friends with a person you had a sexual relationship with or had an emotional attachment to? Or better yet, if you manage to be able to can you refrain yourself from the constant reminder of failure and pain that you’d once endured? I mean, wouldn’t it hurt badly to see the one person you once loved or truly cared about with some one new? I think that is why we are generally suppose to cut off all ties. The healing process seems to be quicker that way to… “out of sight out of mind.”
You see I’d always managed to be the bigger person, per say. I like to walk out of my relationships with my head high, holding no grudge or unresolved matters. Closure is HUGE to me. It helps me pick up the pieces and move forward. Helping me to learn from my mistakes and try not to make them again the next time around. But despite the pain that may have been inflicted on me or vice versa, generally I have been able to maintain civil, low key friendships with all my ex’s (Not that there are many!). I do occasionally send hello messages via email or text and I like to reach out during birthdays or holidays. It feels nice to be able to say, “Look, what happened happened and it was nice but just not meant to be. Just because we have our differences doesn’t mean we should place all the time spent together in the dumps. Let’s be friends.” Sounds nice, right? I mean, it seems pretty damn fair to me.
But here is how this whole convo even began in the first place… ugh!
I began to notice that my so called friend(s) weren’t the greatest or most reliable friend(s), if you catch my drift. It seems to be so one sided sometimes. Maybe I am fooling myself into believing that it is actually humanly possible to be a loyal, good friend to a person that may have stomped all over my heart once, or in some cases more than once. Or maybe, just maybe I have too high of expectations from a person(s) that was never really my friend to begin with. After all, it was the chemistry and attraction that was pulling me in in the first place. So once that had been erased from the chalk board, is there really anything left?? I guess it was my assumption that had me thinking that we had friend capability in the first place. I’m soooo guilty for believing in the best in people. This is probably why I seem to get let down all too often. But am I wrong for this or is the person wrong for doing it? I’ve loved only 2 men in my time of dating and both left me heart broken. One was a cheater and the other was border line cheater… I don’t care to elaborate right now. I have grown significantly from both experiences and believe that I am stronger and a lot more wise today. I do take credit for my mistakes and know that I didn’t have to ‘ignore’ all the signs that were placed in front of me BUT I did and well it didn’t get me far. Now I have learned to run with all hell from these sort of signs and not care to ask myself twice. LESSON LEARNED, whew!…. Just friends….. hmmmm……. let me take a walk down memory lane here…. every time I have seen an ex he has always either 1.) flirted, 2.) placed his hand a little to far down my back, 3.) gave me the ‘I miss you spiel’, 4.) tried to kiss me, 5.) DID KISS ME!, 6.) reminded me of our past (never fun to remember if things didn’t work out.), 7.) flirted with other women in front of me (disrespectful, kid!), 8.) OMG…. Am I at number 8 right now? Geeeze, I think I answered my own question. All of these scenarios have ALWAYS occurred with any of my ex’s. Maybe we’ve accepted it wasn’t working romantically but physically the attraction made the flesh weak, leading to temptation or memories of the good ol’ times, <wink> <wink>. (sigh!) Yes, I am leaning with my hand on my chin right now with a not-so-enthused look on my face.
To solve all matters of hurt, I am learning that maybe it isn’t the best idea to be friends with an ex so soon after the breakup. I do firmly believe in being civil and holding no grudges but calling ourselves just friends may be a bit of a stretch. Especially when you know damn well that the sexual chemistry was a LARGE part of your relationship in the first place. I’m not so down with the friends with benefits thing and learned that the hard way! It’s never fun in the end.
So let me ask you something, what do you think? I know we can have so many different opinions, stand points and references and that’s what makes blogging so darn special. We all have our opinions… none right or wrong… just small talk.
Should I be able to remain friends with my ex(s) or just sever all ties and not look back?
With love,
Michelle
When I was younger, it seemed like being cool with an ex was impossible. As the maturity level sets in (for all parties involved) I find it to be quite simplistic. So my answer is yes, depending on the level of maturity.
hey ma! you and relationships.. okay, here’s what i say, YES– you can definitley remain friends with your ex. AS LONG, as ya’ll are both mature enough, no sexual feelings (unless you both need some and agree upon some action–but, then of course that can lead up to some other unnecessary drama), and respect one another. I also think, time is a big factor–i hope there was enough time between the break up to the new friendship to mend self-respect and confindence to oneself. Personally, I too, being the bigger person, am happy to say i am friends with all my ex’s (even the one that was psycho) Why? Because i spent quality time with them in the past and because now that i am mature enough.. there is nothing wrong with saying a simple, ‘hi’ and a genuine ‘how are you?’. why grow hatred? it only wears you out, bothers you more, and i heard its unhealthy.. heeheehee.
i’m at work and had to rush-type. excuse the typos, grammer, and phrases.
take care beb!! hope this helps!
Michelle,
This is only my opinion, and I understand that others might differ with what I saying. Take care and have a great day.
Adam C.
That is hard to say unless you know the meaning of friends. Friendship means to be cooperative and supportive towards someones wellfare and well being. To be cooperative means the principle or practice of unselfish concern for or devotion to the welfare of others. If you think you can be these things to him inspite of the hurt he caused you you go for it. But If you can;t then just being curteous and not rude is more then enough to ask of yourself.