Sep 23 2008
The call that changed me forever. Part 1
He called. My heart stopped. I hadn’t heard his voice in so long. I wasn’t sure if I should feel happy or mad. This man used to be my best friend and it seems that when all hell broke loose, he just disappeared. Literally over night, he was gone without an explanation, without a care, and without me. After all this occurred, I literally fell off my rocker and went into hibernation. I was hurt, you know. After finding out the truth about his second life, I couldn’t help but play back seven years of memories in my head over and over and over and asking what was real and what wasn’t. Ugh, I was so confused at first. To make matters worse is he never even called to explain himself. Now this was a man I once called the love of my life and my best friend. I was asked time after time, ‘were there any signs??’ I answered honestly when replying with a ‘no. I was fooled completely.’
Anyways, I was on the other end of the line with him for the first time since finding out. I wanted to be the bigger person and just resolve the matter but inside I was screaming to be the bad guy since this person seemed to have no remorse for me and my feelings. But as always, I held my own and had that stiff upper lip. ‘Hello.’ I replied. I had no idea my life would be changed forever after this one call.
Yes, I did ask how he was. Despite all the chaos I still cared. I always cared. Even if his feelings weren’t genuine, mine were. I could not fake my love and my loyalty like he did. So as always, I was Michelle and not the bitter, scorned woman.
I went on to ask him to explain himself. Tell me how he could do what he did and not look back. It was then my world shook from beneath me and my breath was sucked out of me. He said ‘I don’t owe you an explanation. You don’t owe me one. That simple.’ Are you speechless to hear this because I was in a complete utter shock when I heard this come from the other end of my cell phone?
“Excuse me? You don’t owe me an explanation? The last 9 years of my life were a fraud and you mean to tell me you don’t owe me anything at all?!” Now I was getting mad. The nerve of this man blew my mind. And more than anything shocked the shit out of me because he never spoke to me with such disrespect. Here is a man who I had been with for 7 years; best friends for 9 that I just found out had a secret life and a new born child. Shattered cannot begin to describe my heart and more importantly, my trust.
“Michelle, look let’s face it. This whole closure deal isn’t necessary. If anything, we’d been done for a long time and I didn’t want to acknowledge it when it was staring me straight in the face. We haven’t been together for nearly two years! And you have been dating other men anyways. I just didn’t know how to let go of you and I was weak. But I’m not anymore. If I had been stronger, I would have left you alone a long time ago.”
WOW! WOW! WOW! Let me brief you on something. Yes, we had been split for nearly two years when I found out he had lived a double life. More like a triple life BUT I don’t have enough time to get into both. But even after splitting after 7 years of a relationship, we had been best friends and extremely close. We probably spoke 3 to 4 times a week, every week. We talked about so much, openly, or so I thought. I was always honest with him when telling him I had been dating other people. I knew it was hard on him but would rather be honest than hide it behind his back. Lying doesn’t come easy to me. I’m glad it is that way because I can’t build a life or let alone a relationship built on distrust and lies.
“How could you say that? We didn’t have to be in a relationship to have a relationship. When I found out what you had done, and disappeared, I felt like my best friend died and now I will never get to hear a goodbye. You have done so much to me in the course of this decade and some way or another; I had always managed to forgive you! So why couldn’t you just admit that you had cheated on me before I ended the relationship and came clean. This way we wouldn’t have had this mess. Now, any chance of reconciliation is demolished, forever. How dare of you say I am not deserving of an explanation. You never deserved me and my friendship!!”
I was clearly upset. I sat on the phone for nearly one hour as we went back and forth with our sides to what happened. His tone with me was harsh, cold and resentful. Kind of funny how he could hate me so much when he was the one who started this mess in the first place. He had a lot of nerve. But whether he admitted it or not it was oh-so-clear to me. He was hurting inside and tried to suppress it by blaming me for everything. I guess making himself believe I deserved all this made it easier for him to sleep at night.
I gathered myself over the phone, never once giving him the indication I was on the verge of crying. I left off with this:
“I’m sorry you feel the need to hurt me again and again. I have given you nothing but my best. I was always honest and sincere with you. Even when you knew you weren’t deserving of me. I guess I saw the best in you, even if you didn’t see it in yourself. Yes, we weren’t together so what has been done after our split in none of my concern as mine is not yours. But I was still honest with you because you were my friend. A more important title than a boyfriend. I guess we differ when it comes to that. I guess my only unanswered question is how you could tell me you loved me every time we spoke and remained so determined to win my love back, even going on to say if it took forever. I would never wish any harm on you and only want the best in your life as well as your families. Your actions not only hurt me but hurt other people along the way that were duped like me. I pray for your heart and that you may reap what you sew, after all the bible does say you shall reap where you sew. I did really love you both as my past love and my best friend. But I honestly regret having had this conversation with you. Maybe it was easier when things were left unsaid. I feel like I am living in a nightmare.”
I hung up the phone, immediately walked to the restroom, removed my sunglasses I had on from being outside and realized that I had tears not falling out of my eyes, but shooting out of my eyes. I sat there for about 2 minutes as I watch my tears fall. I promised myself that this would be the last time I would ever cry over this man. Just then, I wiped my face, touched up my makeup and proceeded on with my day.
But that’s not the end of this chapter. Not yet, at least.
