MichelleJoyPhelps

I wanted to wish all my readers a HAPPY HOLIDAY and NEW YEAR! I also wanted to apologize for not updating you with NEW daily blogs but I promise you I have been working on NEW blogs to post! Until then, may everyone have a wonderful, blessed holiday with your family and loved ones! I know I sure am and can’t wait to begin another prosperous year!!

God bless and Much love,

Michelle Joy Phelps

He held my face and told me how much he needed me and how sorry he was at least 20 times, if not more. I saw in his eyes that he was genuine. Maybe it was me just wanting to see what I had really wanted and I convinced myself of this. Regardless I felt it to be true. He was the only man in my life at this point I’ve allowed myself to be completely vulnerable with. Despite our rocky past, I always loved him differently from the others and found the break up to be the hardest time of my life; devestating really.

“I love you Michelle. I’ve never stopped. Never.”

Those words echoed into my ear and out of my sleep. Yeah, it was all a dream. Waking this morning felt like I had just witness the love of my life die and come back to just realize when I woke up that he was still dead. Metaphorically speaking of course. When I left him it was the darkest period of my life, something I had really grown from and developed off of. I hate those dreams…when you are forced to relive an emotion that seemed so distant just yesterday. Suddenly I am forced to remember what I worked so hard to forget. Yeah, I’m a bit upset right now because I feel my heart aching again. My mind feels scattered and my stomach hurts at the thought of how everything went so bad. I can genuinly say that the breakup was never something I wanted, but needed to be done. So many people like to comment on how well I handled everything and that I was very strong. Yes I was but no one ever got to see the side of me that I had become behind closed doors. To build your relationship up so high and have such great expectations for the future and have it all ripped out from underneathe you is heart wrenching to say the least. My entire world changed in 1 day. We had nearly a decade of history together and I loved him as if it was the first day we met. That love showed me it was more than possible to love with all faults, error and differences. It was too much for me to handle so I just blocked out all thought and emotion about anything and lived life robotically, emotionally at least. I became cold and withdrawn from anyone. It was the easiest way to move on and it worked for about a good year and half.It was after that point I met someone who opened my heart again and taught me trust. I didn’t realize meeting this man would not only teach me friendship, loyalty and love but also how to deal with what was hurting me deep within, underneathe this fasad I created for myself. Nearly 11 months later I was happy to report a full recovery with minor bumps and bruises along the way. It’s only when I lay my head back at night that sometimes my mind likes to wander into either my past or build a fantasy of what my future could have been.

Although I never wanted the relationship to end and my hand was forced to cut off all ties, I still find the thought of “what if” to be haunting at times. Generally only when I have these dreams I find myself asking that question. My heart likes to scream out loud sometimes to God, usually asking “why?!” or “It wasn’t suppose to be like this!!”…. Ok, ok I know in the end everything ended up being for the best. I’ve been through a lot yes but my life is amazing now and I know this and feel so grateful. But at the end of the day I’m still human and with love there is no light switch that allows me to turn off the feeling of love. I guess this is why people say “time will heal all wounds.” You just have to wait for the light bulb to lose it’s power and die out… in all due time the room once filled with light will eventually turn dark.